Authenticity and Change

Conversations are complicated things. Apart from any interest we might have in the topic at hand we bring with us a wheelbarrow of other stuff: an attitude to the other person, a belief about the significance of the encounter, a varying inclination to participate, as well as unthinking body-language, engrained speech patterns and habits picked up along the way. We also bring a full set of ready-to-go and easily triggered reactions to the other person’s stuff. And vice versa.

So any decision to improve our conversations throws up questions: where to start? what and how much to change? how can I be myself and genuinely take part if I am consciously adjusting my behaviour?

In an honest conversation, the bonds we form depend on spontaneity and authenticity. In police dramas we see suspects being careful what they say in Interview Room 5. Later we might admire their cunning choice of words as they talk with the ‘perp’ while wearing a wire. Back in the real world Sales Reps are trained to mimic engaging conversational behaviour in order to build temporary bonds that will make a customer tumble into a ‘yes’. These are not fully spontaneous conversations: a covert objective is taking precedence over any intention to engage authentically with the other person.

It would be unrealistic however never to have anything on your mind as you enter a conversation. How often have you made yourself the mental note ahead of a chat: ‘must remember to ask X’ ? The problem comes when you have too much to remember, too much occupying your brain so your mind is literally ‘elsewhere’. Setting yourself too many self-improvement goals puts your focus in the wrong place and stifles honest interaction.

What we recommend at Cracking Conversation is to start with a small change and to pick a single element from the building blocks of conversation. Set yourself a simple task (for instance finding a few occasions to show the other person that you are listening) and, importantly, undertake this in a conversation where your head is not already overloaded with agenda items. Have a go. Repeat the process. Repeat the process. Assess the results. Once this one is firmly in place make another small change.

We will always bring a wheelbarrow of stuff with us to our conversations, but we are a work in progress and some of our habits can be fresh additions.